My 23 year old son says my blog posts are too long. He says that his generation believes that if you can’t say what you mean in 350 words or less, you’re not worth reading. At the writer’s conference I attended last spring, I learned that books sell best if there are odd numbers in the titles (never mind the commercial success of “Ten Things I Hate About You”). It has to be 5 or 7, because 6 and 8 just don’t cut it, and those of us old enough to remember know that Bo Derek is the only 10. So here is my attempt at listing important things to know about how medicine works these days, in no particular order.
- No news is NOT good news anymore. The days of doctors calling you with your test results are, for the most part, over. Do not assume that because you did not get a call, everything is fine.
- If we are treating you, please report your side effects so we can help you. You don’t get brownie points for being a “good patient” by keeping quiet—you just get sicker.
- Please do not bring samples of bodily excretions in to the office on toilet paper in plastic bags. You might make someone sick. That someone might be the doctor. Brief quantitative and qualitative descriptions work well.
- If you need to get your doctor’s attention, one phone call may not be enough even though it should be. Go ahead, be a pain in the ass. If the person up front gets tired enough of hearing from you, Facebook might be closed out and a message conveyed.
- Insurance companies are not your friends. They will NOT call you back. If you call and get a phone tree, press “zero” until a human being comes on, and then demand to speak to a supervisor. Your life and bank account depend on it.
- Know the names of your medications and their doses, and if you can’t remember, write them down and put them in your wallet. Please don’t say, “A little yellow pill.” UNDERSTAND what the pill does. Not knowing can kill you.
- Don’t say “I have the flu” when you have a cold or a little upset stomach. Get your flu shot this fall or you will figure out what the real flu is when you really have it.
I could go on but I won’t. As they say in obedience training, “Exercise finished!”