The Stars are Misaligned Tonight

As flies to wanton boys, are we to the gods. They kill us for their sport.  King Lear, Act IV

There are certain days that everyone will always remember.  People of my generation uniformly remember where they were and what they were doing the day that John F. Kennedy was shot.  My children’s generation will never forget 9-11.  For my parent’s generation, images of Pearl Harbor, D-Day, Hiroshima and Nagasaki were burned into their brains.  But these were all public moments—John John’s salute, the mushroom clouds, the fall of the twin towers.  Amongst these more public iconic moments are the quiet ones, the ones that hit each of us hard individually.  For me, I think of the Challenger disaster, played out on the television screen in the waiting room of my department.  I tried to go on seeing patients as Christa McAuliffe, the first Teacher in Space, and her crewmates exploded before our eyes.  I had wanted to teach, and had dreamed of being an astronaut while growing up in Houston.  They were there, and then suddenly, they were gone.  The bombing of the Murrah building in Oklahoma City was another of those moments—for me, that firefighter will be carrying that baby out of the carnage forever. Thirteen years after it happened, I dragged my youngest son to Oklahoma City to visit the museum, and to sit and contemplate one of the loveliest and saddest public memorial spaces ever built.

Today was another of those days for me as I tried to keep my patient flow going and stay on time while watching the Connecticut school shooting play out on my computer.  I can read the eyewitness accounts, and I can put my thoughts on paper, but it is the images, the pictures that will forever haunt me—the teachers and SWAT team members leading the frightened children, eyes and mouths open in terror, from a school which will never be the same out into a town that will likely never be able to celebrate Christmas again.  Where is the soul of a human being who can fire point blank into the heart of a child?  I asked my friend, who is a devout Catholic, “Where is God while all of this was going on?” She did not have an answer which I could believe or understand.  It rained a cold wet rain all day, here in this city where it never rains.

As I was driving home tonight I got a call from Daniel, my farrier.  Daniel never calls me at 7 pm on a Friday night, so I knew something was wrong.  He said, “Come home quickly, Gabriel called– Dash is colicking.”  Dash is my 27 year old Quarter Horse, recently laid up and on antibiotics for lymphangitis, an infection in his legs brought on by a late season of heat and drought which triggered a swarm of blood seeking flies.  Colic in an elderly horse who has never colicked before can be a bad sign—a stone perhaps, or a lipoma twisting the gut.  John, my horse vet for twenty years, got here quickly, sedated and tubed the old boy who is now resting comfortably.  I will be on horse watch for the rest of the night, armed with syringes full of painkillers and sedatives.  I know one thing for certain—this old horse has had a full, long and happy life—something those children who died today will never have.  It is almost midnight here.  Can this day be over soon?


  1. God was weeping today as this was happening, along with those horrified teachers and students, along with the panicked, mourning parents, along with the rest of us watching this tragedy unfold. Evil is not from God but humankind embraces it. Sin is the choice we made from the beginning, the choice we continue to make.

    Only God can glue back together what evil has shattered. He is asking us to hand Him the pieces of our broken hearts.

  2. This is why I do not watch television, I will not watch television. Seeing video images on television seems to me the worst kind of intrusion into someone else’s tragedy.

    I stopped watching ANY television news during the Vietnam War. The juxtaposition of battlefield scenes of death and destruction followed immediately by Coca-Cola ads seemed immoral.

    By the 90s I was discouraged by the number of insipid plot lines in so many shows and I narrowed down to watching only PBS.

    When my sister died in 2001 that was it.

    I have a television in my spare bedroom. I have to, or I would never be able to get a housesitter to stay here with my dogs. On very rare occasions I turn it on to remind myself why I don’t need to watch it.

    That’s me. We all handle these things in the way that is best for us.

  3. As the father of one of the young girls killed in Conneticut said, God gives us free will and it is ours to do with as we want. God didn’t do this.
    There is an aura of sadness everywhere I look with people in disbelief that something like this could happen.
    When my 6 year old nephew died many years ago of leukemia, I found it hard to accept that life all around me just continued as usual, when I felt that my life had changed so drastically. TIME, that 4 letter word, really does heal.
    I hope Dash gets well. Hang in there…

  4. Thank you all for your comforting words. Linda, you are quite right that there is an aura of sadness everywhere. And Emily and Robert, I understand free will. But still, I want to believe that there is justice and fairness in the world. What is the answer here? Shall we have our teachers and principals carry concealed weapons? Or can we teach morals and kindness? Can we befriend the troubled and the lonely? Truly I am searching for answers. M

  5. And thank you all for your concern for Dash. He made it through the night and was nickering for his food this morning. Looks like he’ll be with me for awhile. M

  6. So glad Dash is on the mend. I’m with Margaret re the news. My TV is only for Netflix… But, traveling, TV’s are everywhere as is hour after hour of the school. Makes me feel like they are the vultures circling. Very unbecoming. We need to get our mental health care back in the saddle again and not just put people like this in prison. His troubles no doubt were obvious to those closest to him years ago.

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